ogling cartoons

I could start this post with a self-conscious introduction about how bad TV is for children. But I won’t. Instead, I will start by saying that I need my kids to watch TV, for at least 3o minutes on a Saturday or Sunday, so that I can make it through the weekend to Monday.

I read somewhere that it’s less bad for your kids if they watch TV while you watch it with them, which in my opinion, sort of misses the point of TV altogether, but parental guilt is a powerful thing. To occupy my mind while watching cartoons with my boys, I’ve started ranking cartoon characters in terms of hotness.

Let’s start with Super Why. I thought that was just the name of the show, but apparently it is also the name of the dude at left. Pros: can rock the spandex, and hangs out with a princess. Cons: wears a mask and what I suspect may be Skechers. Appears to have yarn for hair. He is also a bit preachy about spelling.

Next, below, we have Izzy, Cubby, and Jake from “Jake and the Neverland Pirates.” For the record, my husband thinks Izzy is a stone cold fox. Cubby is a bit short for my tastes, but Jake…oh, Jake. That shock of black hair, the bandana, the skinny jeans tucked into the knee boots–he’s working a look, it’s talking to me, and what it’s saying is “thar be good.”

Oso the bear, below, is a spy in the vein of James Bond. Like 007, Oso has all sorts of gadgets and fancy vehicles at his disposal. Also like 007, he is usually pantless. Who needs pants, when you have a neoprene vest full of pockets, plus gloves? But I find his constant expression of surprise a bit off-putting. I like my spies a little more blase.

special agent oso, with jazz hands

The show Yo Gabba Gabba is an exercise in studied irony. For example, there is a regular segment on the show in which Biz Markie demonstrates the “beat of the day.” And the show features all sorts of hipster bands and break-dancing (sometimes, together). The creators also clearly don’t care that you suspect that they are on drugs. Below is Muno, who is very clearly the most phallic children’s character ever created. It’s as if they knew that bored moms would be watching. The only way he could be more phallic is if he didn’t have arms and legs, and was flesh colored. His resemblance to a penis notwithstanding, I don’t find him particularly attractive, but that’s probably mostly because he only has the one eye, and fangs.

This brings us to my boyfriend, Handy Manny, the stud at the top of this post. It really doesn’t get much hotter in cartoon land than Manny, who is bilingual, good with tools, and can pull off a trucker cap like no one’s business. He also appears to fix broken appliances for free, and is good with renewable energy sources, like the solar panels he installed that one time for the town baker. My friend Erik says Manny has a hot flirtation going with Kelly at the hardware store, but I feel that if Manny knew me, he’d want to be with me, not her.

Who has your vote for hottest cartoon?