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the original

Last week, I got a photo via text, from Tom.


The text was immediately followed by an angry call. “I’m at American Apparel, and their bowties are clip-ons, Yoona.” Tom had wanted a velvet bowtie for a holiday party, and I remembered seeing some at American Apparel, so I’d sent him there. “I can’t wear a clip-on bowtie, for chrissake. People will think I can’t tie a bowtie!” I blinked. I’d honestly never considered that particular fashion faux pas before.

I let him continue. I sensed there was more to this call than just the bowtie.

“ALSO, what the f*ck, they have like a hundred of my watch on sale.” The anger in his voice was palpable, so I proceeded with care. “Tom, calm down. Which watch are you talking about?” “My black Casio watch,” he bit out. “And my calculator watch too!!” Ah. His precious calculator watch. This was indeed serious.

About a year ago, I took delivery of a small package from Amazon, addressed to Tom. I was intrigued, as Tom never orders anything for himself. Actually, I was shocked that he’d figured out how to order something online, as Tom uses the intraweb for one purpose alone: to check scores on ESPN. I opened the box and found an ugly plastic watch inside, with a receipt showing that Tom had purchased it for about $17. A few weeks later, another Amazon package arrived for Tom. I opened it to find another black plastic watch. And this one had—wait for it—a calculator for a face. Tom usually wore the plain black Casio but would bring out the calculator watch for special occasions. I’d catch him standing in the closet in his boxers looking from one black Casio to the other black Casio, undecided. Not every occasion called for the calculator watch, he would tell me. When he chose the calculator watch, he’d wear it with his sleeve rolled up, offering to calculate tips after dinner and then cursing when his fingers, too large for the tiny little numbers, couldn’t punch out the right keys.

Back to American Apparel. “Babe. Did you think Casio only made and sold one of your watch?,” I asked. Having vented most of his frustration, Tom had already calmed down. “Of course not!,” he said, in a manner that made me suspect that he had thought exactly that. “I just don’t want everyone to know how f*cking cool my watch is.”

Guess the secret’s out.


21 Comments Post a comment
  1. your husband has style

    December 19, 2012
  2. Ashley #

    This cracked me up big time. LOL! I can imagine myself calling my husband for reason like that, but it’s hilarious to read it on the men’s side. 😀

    December 18, 2012
    • it’s doubly amusing because they are so specific about the things they freak out about

      December 19, 2012
      • Ashley #

        Oh by the way, the calculator watch is cool! 🙂 I would love to have one just to show others how cool it is.

        December 19, 2012
  3. lol – men and what they stress about – that’s why men are from mars and women are from venus…

    December 18, 2012
    • mars is too close to venus for that analogy to work, in my opinion. perhaps uranus, which would be apropos

      December 19, 2012
  4. bora #

    LOL from vancouver

    i think it’s been too long since there’s been a post about me

    December 18, 2012
  5. thevirtualrealityofstaci #

    oh that made me laugh……..I don’t think I would have ever thought of the calculator watch as something cool.

    December 18, 2012
    • tom specializes in “so uncool it’s cool”

      December 18, 2012
  6. dude . . .

    December 18, 2012
  7. Heidi #

    Please thank Tom for being willing (I hope?) fodder for such great comedy.

    December 18, 2012
  8. Is there an age limit to shopping there? Im in 40s and the wife is giving me grief for getting the Groupon for it. I say there’s no age limit as long as I can wear it well – ie no gold shimmery shorts. Who’s right? No pressure, just the foundation of our marriage at stake. 😉

    December 18, 2012
    • there was a groupon for american apparel? so much better than a groupon for laser hair removal. there is probably an age but no one in my family has hit it yet, including my mom who likes the guys’ tanks

      December 18, 2012
  9. I dreamed of that watch as a kid.

    December 18, 2012
    • I think “as a kid” are the operative words there

      December 18, 2012
      • nah, I’d wear one now, I do have the chrome version of his other watch too. I’m a bit of a watch junkie though and have a fairly large and eclectic collection, I lost most of it a couple of years ago to a burglary but it’s growing again, with a couple of proper swiss watches (the insurance company paid to replace my grandfathers omega) and lots of much cheaper but interesting choices including retro items from my youth

        December 18, 2012

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