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master of the cleanse

It’s January and Tom’s cleansing, which means the whole family is suffering. The last time we did a cleanse, I participated but only made it six days, while Tom lost a ton of weight after three weeks of eating like a hamster. This year, I tried to cleanse but either my heart’s not in it or my willpower has declined even further than last year, because here’s how my first three days went:

Day 1: green smoothie for breakfast, green smoothie for lunch, half of large pizza and twelve pieces of toffee for dinner

Day 2: green smoothie for breakfast, green smoothie for lunch, Korean BBQ for second lunch (I’m conditioned to eat when my mom cooks), penne with vodka sauce for dinner

Day 3: green smoothie for breakfast, green smoothie for lunch, Chipotle salad for dinner (Yes!! I had a salad for dinner!!), pot of rice and two fried eggs for second dinner

I don’t weigh myself anymore, but my pants aren’t fitting any looser, which tells me that my body prefers to have its calories spread more equitably over three meals, instead of in one huge gut bomb at dinner. The problem is that when I eat the one solid meal that I’m allowed at lunchtime, I become such a ravenous bitch in the evening that no one in my family wants to talk to me, or even look in my direction. That’s if I even make it home. Because when you’re that hungry and the only thing waiting for you at home is your kids and your manorexic husband and a cold, liquid dinner—honestly, why go home?

When you have a smoothie for dinner, you become keenly aware of how many hours there are between dinner and bedtime. Last time around, I’d have my dinner smoothie, watch a little TV and drool at all the Taco Bell commercials—for the record, I had the idea to make taco shells out of Doritos like 15 years ago—then go to bed at 7:50 to prevent myself from eating two packages of ramen noodles, raw.

Before you say that a cleanse isn’t about losing weight, here’s how I feel about that: anyone who says they aren’t doing a cleanse at least partly for weight loss is either an idiot or a liar. I mean, cleaning your digestive tract is nice and all, but you can’t see clean bowels from the outside. Why suffer that kind of deprivation if you aren’t going to see some discernable change? The reality is that no one wants to say they want to lose weight, because then people start thinking that you think you’re fat, which makes them start thinking that you might be fat. Anyway, I think it would be super refreshing if someone answered “because I want my belly spooge to stay tucked into my pants” when asked why they are cleansing.

Tom is a huge optimist, which means that it only takes about three days of cleanse before he starts feeling and acting like Deepak Chopra. Seven days of cleanse and he starts walking around the house without a shirt on. After a couple weeks, he ascends to a higher plane where he treats food as if it completely optional to his existence. He’ll sit at the table nursing a mug of hot lemon water and observe you eating your meal as if you are a giant pig rooting around in a trough of table scraps. If you’re cleansing, don’t do this to others, because it’s highly annoying and makes them feel like punching your smug, emaciated little face.

If you’re cleansing, good luck. I envy you your willpower and spotless intestines.

18 Comments Post a comment
  1. Oh man. This post had me laughing the whole way through!!! Everyone’s comments are hilarious as well. I can’t do those types of cleanses either. I just don’t do well without food. My dad did a cleanse like this (the one where you drink lemon, cayenne, and maple syrup I think?) for 3 weeks or something like that and had a glowing review…. Maybe men are better at this?

    May 6, 2013
  2. Alyssa Stibolt #

    This is absolutely hilarious! Exactly how I feel, but couldn’t put it into words. Thanks for the Friday afternoon laughs at work and great to meet you last night.

    February 1, 2013
  3. Ashley #

    I can only do cleansing for a week, top! I couldn’t resist the temptation of all the yummy food, especially when your other half is not doing the cleansing and you have to watch him eat, in front of you! Something unbelievable, every time after I done my cleansing, I lost 2kgs. My pants aren’t looser too, which makes me believe that 2kgs were the unwanted waste in my intestines. Eeeewwww……

    January 30, 2013
  4. I went to bed last night with a belly sponge that wouldn’t even stay in my pajamas (How tragic is THAT?) and told Mr. Mom “Oh god, I’ve got to do a cleanse.” And Mr. Normal BMI had the nerve to ask “What’s a cleanse?” I explained it’s a like a 10-day flu, except without the virus. He smugly shook his head and went to sleep. I’ll probably start tomorrow. Wish me luck!

    January 19, 2013
  5. Haa haa. 🙂

    January 16, 2013
  6. Loved Day 1! I couldn’t handle a cleanse. The minute someone tells me I can’t eat something I suddenly need it–NOW.

    January 15, 2013
    • yes this happened to me when i did the clean diet and they said no bananas. i don’t even like bananas unless they are in banana bread or banana pancakes and yet i felt i would die if i could not have one

      January 15, 2013
  7. Raw ramen noodles are no joke. I turned up my nose at them for a while but tried them by accident one time when I didn’t cook them long enough (wait 3 minutes plus cooling time? No thank you) and I haven’t looked back since.

    January 14, 2013
  8. Kristin #

    Yoona! This is classic! I love the first day of your cleanse! Especially the Toffee part! I just bought some jeans today and may need to do a week cleanse to have them fit better! I love your views on this “issue” and I do view it as an “issue”! Keep being fabulous!!!

    January 14, 2013
    • kristin, i blame linds’ grandma (hi grandma b!) who sent us home from the beach with a plastic bag full of toffee. i thought i’d be strong enough to dispose of it at the appropriate time, but alas

      January 14, 2013
  9. manorexic, heh

    January 14, 2013
    • it’s a real thing. not in my house, but i read an article in GQ about it, and it was an eye opener

      January 14, 2013
      • and to think he turned up his nose at zumba

        January 14, 2013
  10. I did the master cleanse a few years ago – the one where all u have is the lemonade with syrup and cayenne pepper. Don’t know what’s worse – that or the green smoothie. Haven’t had the gumption to try again.

    I did it strictly for the weight loss. Lost 25 in 10 days. Pretty significant because the starting point was around 195, not 495. Gained back half if it in te next month but have kept it off since.

    January 14, 2013
    • ah, the master cleanse. that’s hardcore. i would try it but i can already tell i wouldn’t make it even 18 hours. i do find that a cleanse, as you seem to have experienced, does make you reevaluate what you put into your body and does create a temporary sense of mindfulness, which is great if it lasts

      January 14, 2013
  11. Min #

    Oh Yoona, thanks for this – I, like everyone else, am attempting to detox right now. And last night after a fairly successful day (smoothie for breakfast, salad for lunch, soup for dinner) I got so desperate that I ran out at 9 pm to the closest Duane Reade (told my hubbie I had to pick up feminine products), bought a box of highly processed chocolate cookies and stuffed my face while reading US Weekly and Life&Style in the store. I felt so sad for myself. Not only that I had failed so miserably but also because my single life was truly, truly over and I could not simply stuff my face in the sanctity of my own home. I know you understand. 🙂

    January 14, 2013
    • this is so funny. and of course i understand. so similar to the aggravation i feel when i’m painting my toenails with a mask on my face, which i’m doing in the closet, not because i’m embarrassed but because i just want to do it in PEACE–and then tom comes in to change his clothes or something. can’t he change his clothes somewhere else??

      January 14, 2013

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