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potato of love

Ah, romance. We all want more of it. Even if you’re married, like me. ESPECIALLY if you’re married, like me. Sometimes I tell Tom that he could be more romantic. Flowers. A handwritten note. A surprise gift. After twelve years of marriage, the surprises can feel few and far between.

I’m equally to blame. Last Friday, Tom grabbed me in an impromptu embrace and tried to wrestle me onto the bed. In full daylight, with the kids only a floor away! What could be hotter? But the housekeepers had just visited. And our bed had just been made, to perfection. “TOM!! NOOOOOO!!,” I screamed, as he pushed me backwards onto the mattress. Tom sighed, his mood deflated, and then walked off to check scores. I smoothed out the duvet, assuring myself that all was pristine.

Or a couple weeks before that, when Tom tried to corner me in my closet. That time it was the overhead lights. All I could think about was how much my face looks like Alice Cooper’s under those lights. I don’t feel sexy when I feel ugly. I shoved Tom off of me and ran to pat some retinol on my face.

The more I thought about the romance thing, the worse I felt. If I wanted more romance, I shouldn’t just sit around waiting for it to be visited upon me. I would try a spontaneous gesture on Tom, in hopes of receiving spontaneous and expensive gestures in return.

At the mall, I moseyed into a See’s Candies to eat some samples, and saw a potato made out of chocolate.

potatoes

It was boxed in green and dusted with cocoa powder and it had little things stuck in it that made the potato look like it had eyes. All in all, I was charmed by the verisimilitude of the thing. It was so funny. A chocolate potato. For St. Patrick’s Day! SO spontaneous. Tom would love it. I bought one and rushed home, eager to begin the romance.

At home, I changed into my pajamas and placed the box on his pillow. And then I waited for him to come to bed. But then, I fell asleep. The next morning, Tom didn’t say a thing about the potato. I tried to be gracious about it, but I was annoyed.

“Did you see the thing I left you on your pillow?” Tom looked up from brushing his teeth. He rinsed, and then smiled. “Oh yeah! The potato. Super funny. Thanks babe.”

Thanks babe? That was it? Couldn’t he see that I was trying to be romantic? Getting dressed, I saw that he had left the potato on a shelf in the closet. I moved it to the bathroom, and placed it between our sinks.

And there it sat, for two weeks. After the first few days, I was mystified. Tom can eat a pound of Sour Patch Kids in one sitting. I’ve seen him cram an entire chocolate bar into his mouth. I know my man. He likes candy. So why wasn’t he eating the potato? I opened the box and took a small nibble. It was totally delicious. I closed the box back up and pushed the potato closer to his sink, right next to his shaving cream.

Every day the potato sat there, I felt rejected. And then one day, the potato was gone. Where was the GD potato? I sent Tom an email, and waited impatiently for his response.

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A wholly inadequate response, I felt. I’d given Tom a bouquet of flowers and he’d hit me in the face with them. He made it ten times worse when I confronted him by phone. “Babe. I’m sorry,” he stammered. “I had no idea it was that important to you. It just looked…gross. I mean, why would anyone want to eat a chocolate potato?” I sat there, speechless. I mean, he ate bags full of gummy candies that looked like little children. But Tom wasn’t done. He had some salt he wanted to rub into my wounds. “I mean, a part of it was already eaten and that made it even more gross, like a…like a RAT ate part of it or something.”

Anyway. Even though he rejected me and my romantic gift, it felt good to think about Tom, and to think about doing something nice for him. I feel like I’m flexing a muscle that’s rusty from disuse.

I’m already plotting my next act of romance.

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41 Comments Post a comment
  1. Such a fun read! My husband loves sour patch kids but he would be totally turned off by a chocolate potato. The first thing he would think of is “How much did this cost?” and that would totally turn off the romance.

    February 2, 2014
  2. Funny! I had a “Love potato” (a real potato, shaped like a heart!) as well, but my husband was equally as unimpressed when I brought it home as a token of affection.

    May 26, 2013
    • where did you find a potato shaped like a heart? i have so many questions

      October 17, 2013
  3. ji #

    I can’t remember how I stumbled upon you, but thanks for the laugh. What I don’t get is… why do husbands think it is romantic to corner their wives? It is like they think it will happen as the nature channel shows it, the woman will protest and then give in. But then again, why do we think that leaving chocolate potatoes will get them in the mood. Sigh. I just don’t know. 😉

    March 26, 2013
    • there is something animalistic about that behavior, or at least that’s what i tell tom when he tries to maul me with affection

      April 23, 2013
  4. Romance has become a mythical beast at my place, so much so that whenever I see my significant other doing the dishes, I think it is really hot. If he really wanted to spark some romance, imagine what would happen if he cleaned the bathroom. Although, I have to admit that I too would have been completely sucked in by the chocolate potato.

    March 19, 2013
    • i think it’s hot when tom folds laundry. i would find it super blazing hot if he put away the laundry

      April 23, 2013
  5. I totally would have swooned if I had found it on my pillow. 🙂 My husband, however, would have preferred his in the form of chips.

    March 19, 2013
    • oh a man after my own heart. personally i like to go salty, sweet, and then salty again

      April 23, 2013
  6. Oh my gosh this was such a great read! I definitely know how you feel. I think men and women just operate differently when it comes to romantic encounters, they don’t want romance to be planned however I myself need to plan ahead of time…i used to be spontaneous but having children changed that for me. And I too have used food as a way to say to my husband, “I still love you and find you attractive, which is why I brought you food”…how this says romance I have no idea but it does

    March 19, 2013
    • tom brought me taco bell at 11:30 last night and i thought that was super romantic

      March 19, 2013
  7. Andy #

    That chocolate potato looks like a poop. I would in no way suggest that a poop on the pillow limits the romantic-type situations that could take place. I’m just saying it wouldn’t be my first trick for steaming things up in the bedroom. It might be the wrong kind of steamy.

    March 19, 2013
    • ok first of all it was in a green box. second, i wasn’t intending the potato to lead to a romantic act, the potato WAS the romantic act

      March 19, 2013
      • Andy #

        The “eyes” look more like corn to me.

        March 19, 2013
      • grosssssssss!!!

        March 19, 2013
  8. Thank you for the laugh and breath of fresh air in knowing that I can talk about this with other woman; and men. My husband and I have been together for 10 years, married 5 and our daughter is 2. I’ve never been a very good talker, much less romancer. My husband is a romantic at heart with great surprises. I have been needing to up my game in the connection, spontaneity and romance now that my daughter is sleeping well and not completely dependant on Mommy. (Which can be exhausting on the body and mind) Ive never thought of putting a chocolate potatoe on his pillow…maybe there are chocolate tomales!

    March 19, 2013
    • give and you shall receive. that’s my new motto. my kids have always slept like rocks so i can’t even blame them

      March 19, 2013
  9. Oh My GOD. You are hilarious. This is so funny Yoona. A chocolate potato?! HAHAHAA

    March 19, 2013
    • they can’t be that funny if see’s is mass producing them. can they?

      March 19, 2013
      • Or are they mass producing them BECAUSE they are so funny?!

        March 19, 2013
  10. Dawn #

    I recently suggested to Ian that we should take turns planning dates. Whoever planned the date had to make all the decisions, from childcare to whatever plans. My feeling was all the ‘collaboration’ “Where do you want to have dinner?” “Hmm, I don’t know, where do you want to have dinner?” was a serious drain on the romance of the evening and it would be a chance to inject some surprise and anticipation into the situation. Ian was game, totally agreed and followed through. It’s been my turn for about 3 months and I’ve done nada. Totally ruined my awesomely whiny ‘You never bring me flowers!’ position. There’s always tomorrow – though now I’ve put it off so long I feel like I need to plan a skydive over a volcano.

    March 19, 2013
    • carpe diem, dawn. i can help you think of an awesome date. you could do what we do: dinner and then coffee and magazines at barnes & noble, but that might be a little crazy for you guys

      March 19, 2013
    • I understand my husband Alazar thinks planning a date is more on the line of brain surgery. The brain goes where? You want me to plan a date really. You would think after all these years planning to spend time together would be easy.. Right? Wrong I guess.. And to be honest I am tired of planning our dates alone.

      March 20, 2013
  11. undertheneedles #

    I wish I could find a chocolate potato! I think my fiancé would find it hilarious…but I definitely know what you mean about romance kind of sapping out of a relationship after a while. Routine takes over and we all get really busy. I think my fiancé feels that now he has me he doesn’t need to wow me anymore…it would be nice though.

    March 19, 2013
  12. texasdeb #

    Potato, potahto…. (sorry, could not resist)

    I believe romantic gestures to be a lot like compliments. If you want to know how to ring somebody else’s chime, pay attention to how they attempt to ring yours, because what most of us do “for the other” is so often to present a version of what we crave for our own selves.

    It would seem then, that potentially Tom ought to be buying you chocolates (or some other identified treat) and you ought to be tackling/groping him in the closet. (PS – change the GD lightbulb to a pinky glowing one, whatever it takes.).

    March 19, 2013
    • there is wisdom here, and i am grateful for it. i am thinking of a quote i heard from a friend: “women need intimacy to feel like having sex, men need sex to feel intimate”

      March 19, 2013
  13. That is so funny – you’re blog is the first one I read this morning and I’m smiling! Romance when married with children is a tough thing! However gross the potato looked you were thinking about him -I once bought an electric toothbrush @ Christmas for my husband – He said he wanted one – I’ve never lived that one down – lol…

    March 19, 2013
    • i love electric toothbrushes. and given how spendy they are, i think that was a great gift

      March 19, 2013
      • I think so too – but he wanted it when he saw it in the store and then something else for Christmas – kinda like my boys! As you pointed out – pricey so it was his Christmas present- I’m too practical for romance!

        March 19, 2013
    • I liked the potato… I once got my husband a sweet little teddy bear. Put it on his side of the bed, went to work only to come home and find out that he had given it to our daughter. I am starting to think my husband can’t spell romance.

      March 20, 2013
  14. Steve #

    Thanks for sharing your intimate life. As I write this my marriage of 17yrs is about to end.
    Romance ( or lack of ) was a a part of the demise. In the four years trying to save our marriage I came across these 2 books, The Way of the Superior Man and Dear Lover both by David Deida.I wish my wife and I had read them 10 years ago. I cannot recommend them enough! I do not work for the publisher, nor to i know David Deida. The Superior Man is geared for men and dear lover for women but there are concepts in both that I think both sexes should understand.

    In response to your post, I am with Tom, the potato thing was not working, although a nice thought. The real problem although is your rejection of Tom in his two attempts to be intimate with you. Yes I understand that both times you did not feel that it was the right time for you and that is fine! But I can not tell you how much that can hurt a man because it is total rejection!
    and he might just blow it off, but it goes deep. I know because my wife would do the same and then eventually you shut down and give up. Sorry for the drama, but writing these words to help.

    A suggestion for your next act of romance I think might be a hand written letter from you, first apologizing for your rejecting his attempts and then writing in your words how much he turns you on! and maybe plan a rendezvous??? In terms of giving him a gift why not give him what he likes, if a simple hershey bar turns him on, so be it, give him what he wants!!!!

    Hope you check books. love to you both.

    March 19, 2013
    • man i hope tom doesn’t read this. especially the part about the handwritten apology. thanks for the comment and the book suggestions. and i will totally get him a hersheys chocolate bar next time. maybe a king size

      March 19, 2013
  15. Frank #

    Someplace, somewhere, some dude is writing a blog about terrible ideas for romantic gifts from the wife to the husband (much like your previous lists), and a chocolate potato will be one of them.

    March 19, 2013
    • WHATEVER frank. like you wouldn’t eat a chocolate potato

      March 19, 2013
  16. writermomangela #

    Romance is hard! And a chocolate potato sounds like a wonderful idea to me! 🙂

    March 19, 2013
    • me too. maybe i should have gotten more than one and laid them on a platter

      March 19, 2013
  17. This is very well written, very funny. And now I want to know where I can buy a chocolate potato!!

    March 19, 2013
    • see’s candies. i imagine it’s on post-holiday markdown. the reviews of the potato on the website, btw, are glowing

      March 19, 2013

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