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sexting for married people

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No one ever tells you how hard it is to blog during the summer, when there is life to be lived. When I thought up this post a month ago, Anthony Weiner was big news. What I wanted to say a month ago is this: there are about 20,000 things I’d rather receive via text from my husband before a photo of his penis. As it is, I find my husband’s penis pretty inescapable. I don’t need it following me around in my phone.

Instead of your penis, how about texting your spouse some pics that will really make them happy? Like so.

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“I thought of what to feed the kids and then fed them”

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“Hey, love the new bag! It really fleshes out your handbag options”

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“We’re all packed for the beach. I have towels for the kids and a change of clothes and some healthy snacks. But what am I forgetting? Sunblock? No, got that too”

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“Water! Drank some today!”

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“Tate put his shoes on. By HIMSELF”

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“Noticed the padding in your bra came out in the dryer. So I popped those suckers back in for you”

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“Finally got around to organizing that Tupperware drawer like we’ve been talking about. Felt GREAT and now I’m moving on to the tile grout”

 

 

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31 Comments Post a comment
  1. : Hilarity! Hahahhahhaha!!

    February 5, 2015
  2. OMG! I just did a spit take of water onto my desk! I am so with you on the “I thought of what to feed the kids and then fed them” text! I’m still not sure how The Husband survived on his own if, after having been a parent for 8 years, still has trouble finding something to feed the kids. Why he feels this is my private domain… I don’t know!!

    September 10, 2013
    • I’m sure Tom feigns his cluelessness about meal preparation in order to avoid being asked to prepare meals. There is no other explanation for an otherwise intelligent and able man

      September 10, 2013
  3. Very funny and undeniably true! Love the beach one. My husband always gets himself ready and then tells everyone to get in the car – while I’m still packing for three kids and have yet to take a shower!

    September 8, 2013
  4. Enjoyed reading your blog, I am happy if my husband remembers dishes have to be washed.

    September 7, 2013
  5. Amen to that! Love your post.

    September 6, 2013
  6. Terry Skillin #

    There is NOTHING as sexy as a man holding his child…except for the Tupperware shot!

    September 4, 2013
  7. Oh my this is funny because it’s true. The Choreplay comment made me literally lol. If I got a text of the Tupperware organized, my husband would appreciate the results.

    September 4, 2013
    • let’s not go crazy. Ok maybe if I got the Tupperware text and the bra text. Maybe

      September 4, 2013
  8. S #

    Ladies, it’s called “choreplay”… the best foreplay there is!

    September 4, 2013
  9. Love the spin on this! If only!!! ::)

    September 4, 2013
    • seriously. none of those texts actually came from my husband, which makes me sad

      September 4, 2013
  10. This is probably why Anthony Wiener had to send his pics to women other than his wife. She found a way to escape it!

    What I find annoying about Anthony Wiener is how he’s basically ruining Freudian art history analysis. What is the point of having a whole field of though dedicated to pointing out how much things in pictures look phallic, if you’re just going to put, you know, actual phallices (phalli?) in there?

    September 4, 2013
    • I just really am confused by how I’m supposed to feel for Huma. I mean, I guess women’s lib means the right to make bad choices as well as good ones. But I am confused nonetheless.

      You raise a good point but maybe the naked penis will become so meta in art that it will go all the way around and become subversively non-sexual. Then we can go back to using skyscrapers and plump aubergines and the like

      September 4, 2013
      • My mom tells me that women’s lib means I don’t get to have feelings for Huma because she’s a woman/wife. I only get to have human feelings for her. My mom also always says its always ok to feel sympathy for someone because you understand that they’re having a hard time — even if the wound is self-inflicted. Thank God my mom is here to help me navigate the complicated gender dyanmics of the modern world.

        Inescapable Penis is going to be the name of my feminist punk band btw.

        September 4, 2013
  11. Sheri #

    I ALSO love your new bag. Where from, please? PS – I love your blog, and Tupperware drawers are the worst.

    September 4, 2013
  12. gulgun #

    This is great! I’ve been waiting for your back to school post. I’m hoping for that beach-bound text one on my iPhone one day.

    September 4, 2013
    • I stayed at this hotel in California once that had a beach valet service–basically a person who is a pack mule for your umbrella and drinks and all that. We all need a beach valet

      September 4, 2013
  13. Sexy is as sexy does and ain’t nothin’ sexier than a helpful mate. My man wants me thinking of him in a certain way? He just needs to be thoughtful – pay me a compliment and do something he promised to do. And THAT is how married people do romance. (It all goes toward proving the axiom, right? – “I don’t know how to define fill-in-the-blank, but I know it when I see it”. And this fill-in is married-sexy-with-children.)

    September 4, 2013
    • “Sexy is as sexy does.” Can’t wait for the opportunity to say that to Tom

      September 4, 2013
  14. I agree wholeheartedly. I’d be much more interested in the water picture, and I don’t like water lol. It’s … idk. Sexting is unattractive in so many ways! Lol, your pictures are fun. 🙂

    September 4, 2013
    • thanks. I don’t like water either, btw

      September 4, 2013
      • Lol, it’s nice to know I’m not alone! There are so many nice things to put in water, I don’t think you need to like it plain. 😉

        September 4, 2013
  15. G Maros #

    Awww yeah. Our hubbies may be a lost cause when it comes to that kind of ‘sexting’, but since we are raising little men, maybe they have a fighting chance for their future wives…

    September 4, 2013
  16. emilymv #

    Hee hee, love it! I actually organised my tupperware cupboard last week, it felt soooo good for all of three days…. now back to square one. I think its because I don’t remember the end goal of an organised tupperware shelf when I am shoving the boxes back in. But am very jealous of a draw rather than a cupboard… I imagine that would be easier to manage than a shelf. So much harder to get out that perfect sized tupperware at the very back of the shelf. Can’t believe I have just written 6 lines about tupperware… oh dear.

    September 4, 2013
    • Drawers are not better because you can dump things in and then close the drawer to get them out of sight. For me it’s always the lids. Why can’t I ever find a matching lid??

      September 4, 2013

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