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lying to your kids about santa

Tate asked me this morning if today was Christmas. It’s November 26th. It’s going to be a long month. Especially since my kids won’t stop grilling me about Santa. Below, actual questions I’ve fielded about Santa in the last two weeks, and my actual responses.

Q: “Is Santa real?” A: “What do you mean by ‘real’?”

Q: “Is the Santa I saw last year for pictures real?” A: “He was kind of real.”

Q: “If that Santa is not real, who is he?” A: “He’s the real Santa’s brother.”

Q: “What about the Santa we saw at Lloyd Center, was he also Santa’s brother?” A: “Yes.”

Q: “Can Santa fit down a chimney?” A: “Yes he’s very flexible and squishy. Like playdough.”

Q: “Can Santa fit down a chimney that has a wood stove, like ours?” A: “Usually. But sometimes he needs to use the front door.”

Q: “How does he open the door to the wood stove from the inside?” A: “There’s a handle on the inside.”

Q: “How does Santa get to every house in the world in one night?” A: “He flies super fast. Plus, the concept of time is malleable.”

Q: “What is a malleable?” A: “It’s something that’s very bendy.”

Q: “How does Rindy (my kids’ elf on a shelf) fly back to Santa every night if he can’t move?” A: “He can move. He just can’t move while you are looking. And he gets picked up by Rudolph.”

Q: “We left 8 carrots on the plate last year for the reindeer but there were three left. Why didn’t the other reindeer eat the carrots?” A: “What the hell? I don’t know. But carrots give you night vision so you guys should try eating one sometime.”

Q: “How powerful is Rudolph’s nose?” A: “Powerful enough, buddy. Powerful enough.”

Q: “How does Santa eat all the cookies that all the kids leave for him?” A: “Santa doesn’t eat for days beforehand.”

Q: “How can he do all that work on Christmas eve just by eating cookies when you say cookies have no protein?” A: “Well he has to stay awake all night and there’s a lot of sugar in the cookies and sugar can be good in situations like that.”

Q: “Well maybe he would like meatballs instead. Do you think he would like meatballs?” A: “I’m pretty sure ‘Santa’ would love meatballs.”

Q: “Where do all the elves live?” A: “In apartments.”

Q: “The North Pole has apartments?” A: “Yes.”

Q: “If I wake up on Christmas Eve and come downstairs, will I see Santa and be scared?” A: “Maybe. That’s why you should never wake up in the middle of the night.”



17 Comments Post a comment
  1. Betty #

    I think I saw you at the Blazer game last night in the courtside lounge? I was gonna say hi but if it wasn’t you that would have been weird. Anyway I love this blog. It’s hilarious!

    December 5, 2013
    • I wish you had said hello!! What a game, huh?? So fun. Thanks for enjoying the blog!

      December 5, 2013
  2. I fervently protected the Santa myth with my kids for a long time. But Easter Bunny etc. I got sick of real fast. One time when Parker was about 6, I forgot to leave tooth fairy money. He got upset and I got annoyed and blurted out that the tooth fairy is me and I simply forgot so deal. He got a look of horror on his face, turned bright red, then screamed, “Does that mean you’re Santa, too?”

    It’s such a freaking slippery slope, man, this parenting thing.

    December 3, 2013
  3. Our neighbor’s daughter in law decided to tell her children (the neighbs’ granbabies) that Santa wasn’t real from day one, because she “would never lie” to her children. All the other mom’s (mine and her husband’s included) are harshing on her soooo badly. My own mother said that it was stupid because “since they took physical violence away from us, lying is the only parenting tool left.”

    November 28, 2013
  4. It all depends upon the eldest child in the family. As long as the eldest buys the story even a little then the youngers will tag happily along. Once a big brother figures out who Santa really is? He is instantly required by union rules to breathlessly spoil the fun for his little brother or sister (big sisters seem to have the option of playing along until it no longer suits them).

    If you are truly invested in protracting the charade screen your eldest son’s playmates and activities carefully for the next few weeks. If any of his friends have older brothers that means they’ve been disillusioned and are eager to spread the news. Santa debunking often happens on school playgrounds and school buses are especially notorious for holding the remnants of dashed dreams.

    A mother’s work is never done…

    November 27, 2013
  5. Awesome.

    November 26, 2013
  6. Reblogged this on gurltalktvshow and commented:
    Yea, Not good when you know you’re Santa and Mrs.Claus

    November 26, 2013
  7. shoe #

    Lawyers spawning more lawyers. Good job guys.

    November 26, 2013
    • you’re right, it’s remarkably similar to being grilled at a deposition

      November 26, 2013
  8. sculpturesteph #

    I remember when I caught my mum at night rummaging over my Nikolaus plate (St Nikolaus is celebrated in Holland and Germany on the eve of the 5th December).
    I woke up and just saw her hovering over my plate! Pretending to be asleep I waited for her to leave, and then I checked out the plate. I thought she might have taken some of the sweets and chocolate Santa (Nikolaus) left there for me- but to my bewilderment the plate was full!?
    It took me half the night to make sense of this until I came up with the only explanation that it was my mum who was the ‘Nikolaus’… That in an instant demolished all the magic, and those sweets never tasted as good as the ones from the ‘Nikolaus’, and the Easter Bunny ever again.

    I do feel a bit guilty when telling my children Santa is real, but they do get so excited and happy about it all…they all have to grow up so quickly, it’s nice to have some magic left.

    November 26, 2013
    • omg your story makes me so sad. this is why it is imperative that i keep lying to my children

      November 26, 2013
  9. Janis Gabriel #

    : Dude, that is some funny shtuff. Where do you get these answers from? I gave up a long time ago! lol 🙂

    November 26, 2013
  10. From a Canadian perspective – I love your son’s Toronto jersey!

    November 26, 2013
    • hand-me-down from a friend from toronto. we love that jersey!

      November 26, 2013
  11. My family used to go to a relative’s house on Christmas Eve and when we got back (always after midnight), my mom would go inside first “to make sure Santa is gone”. We bought it for a while.

    November 26, 2013

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