Skip to content

the truck effect

Tom got an F-150 around Christmas, and it’s been a topic of considerable amusement for our friends and family. Myself, I’ve moved through various emotional stages with the truck.

20140205-151730.jpg

1. Magnanimousness: Tom works hard. He’s driven my POS 2003 Ford Escape for a long time. He can’t even fully extend his legs in the POS 2003 Ford Escape. He needs this truck. And so he shall have it.

2. Annoyance: Why won’t Tom stop talking about the truck? Why does he spend our evenings in the driveway, alone inside the truck? Isn’t that kind of strange? How can his truck console already be filled to the brim with stuff like mouthwash and Clif bars, when he’s only had the truck for a week? How come I can’t eat in his truck, when he eats his food in my car, and then leaves the wrappers on the floor? When I return to the house after being away, why does Tom rush to the door and ask me if I saw his truck in the driveway, and doesn’t it look good? What is a bed cover? Why does Tom’s truck need a bed cover? Why does Tom need to tell me about a bed cover while I’m at work? Why would I care that because his new bed cover folds in three, I will never have to take it off? Why would I ever need to take a bed cover off of a truck? What am I, a fucking cowboy?   

20140205-151420.jpg

3. Jealousy: Ok, that didn’t feel good when my kids called my car the “Old Car.” It also didn’t feel good when they asked why it feels so small. In fact, it kind of stung. My car is not small. I can’t even park it by myself in my parking garage! And once I hit a post with my far mirror because I didn’t realize how big my car was. It is that big. And by the way, it’s only a year old. And it has stuff that the truck doesn’t have, like this chrome trim here on the gear shift. As anyone will tell you, chrome = luxury. And the truck doesn’t have this ambient lighting around the cupholders that I can change to turquoise or purple. And this push button start! Never mind that I can only tell 50% of the time when my car is turned off and that I’ve accidentally left it running for two hours at the mall. It can come in handy, that push button start. Like if I’m ever being chased by a criminal, I can run to my car and start it just by pushing a button. I don’t even have to find any keys. Tom’s truck doesn’t have a push button start. It also doesn’t have these cool sunglasses that I keep in my handy sunglasses keeper.

Ok, the truck has a sunglasses keeper, but it doesn’t have these cool sunglasses.

4. Resignation: Well, this truck is here to stay, apparently. And sometimes it’s blocking my car in the driveway and I have to drive it. So I better figure out how to park it. Let’s take it to the gym, where there are big parking spaces.

20140205-151304.jpg

5. Acceptance: Wait a second, I LIKE this truck. Hot guys do double takes when I jump out of this truck. They never do that when I jump out of my Explorer. On the road, cars move out of my way when I merge. I’ve been trying to get them to do that for years! I like that when I open the door, I have to hold on to the steering wheel just to hoist myself into the driver’s seat. That’s burly. And speaking of burly, I like that this truck goes with my distressed jeans. Think I’ll turn up the Willie’s Roadhouse and go haul something.

Advertisements
25 Comments Post a comment
  1. My husband is 6′ 7″ – we only own large vehicles. I’d love to zip around in a little car, but it would only fit half my family. My 13-year-old son is growing dad-sized!
    Men and vehicles are like women and wine. Whether they’re opening doors or we’re popping corks, it’s going to be a fun ride 🙂
    Great blog.
    AnnMarie

    April 7, 2014
  2. Don’t those trucks use a lot of gas?
    Leslie

    March 30, 2014
  3. Hilarious! This is a great blog! Looking forward to reading more of your posts! And yes, I too want to know why the hubbies change rules on us when it comes to their cars vs. ours!

    March 25, 2014
  4. What is the social signification in the NW of truck driving? When you go out, is Tom ordering beer rather than wine? At home is he lingering over Western wear sites? Covertly boot shopping? Boots really help stick your landings when exiting a truck. I don’t know, somehow that truck is reading like a gateway lifestyle move cum midlife crisis.

    I drive a minivan but feel qualified to offer advice because here in Texas the pejorative “All hat and no cattle” morphed years ago to “All truck and no cattle” since Stetsons are rare but everydamnedbody and their grandma drives a truck.

    To cement your pickup cred, before installing a gun rack (they hold yoga mats just as easily) y’all need some basic truck etiquette. First up is the combination casual single-finger-lift from the steering wheel/slight head nod “howdy” gesture. You may find it helpful to say “howdy” in your head until the movement feels natural though there’s no call to actually speak the word aloud. Practice in the mirror until you can do it smoothly without grinning self-consciously.

    Also? I’d suggest you and Tom practice him guiding you out of the truck cab by putting his hands on either side of your waist for support while you hop daintily to the ground. That’s the only safe way to exit a truck while wearing a dress. You say “why thank yew, sir” putting your hands on his shoulders as he steadies your exit, followed by him protesting there is no need for thanks because you “are as light as a feather”. Or words to that effect. Technically you can perform the maneuver without the dialog, but it is more fun with.

    March 20, 2014
    • this comment is so hilarious. I love everything about it. I will practice the single-finger-lift (while saying “howdy” internally) and OMG why didn’t anyone tell me that gun racks can hold yoga mats?? also, the truck has definitely cemented tom’s dormant country tendencies. and also his aggressive driving tendencies. he isn’t backing down in any four-way intersection, i’ll tell you that. the truck, it transforms

      March 20, 2014
      • Muffy #

        There is nothing more hysterical here in Texas in addition to the gun/yoga mat rack and the howdy gesture as to watch a man back the truck into a parking space so that the front end gives off that “don’t fuck with my truck” look….

        March 20, 2014
  5. I missed you. I was actually giving momentary consideration to a truck myself. I folded and bought a Mazda CRV. which is only cool because of the color (black cherry) and the car starter and heated seats (I live in New England). So, if I won the lottery, I think I would buy myself a Honda Baja (I have no idea why, but I love that car/truck thing – although I really hated Rancheros), and a sporty bmw for fancier drives. I also find myself missing my minivan at weird times. Mostly when I want to pick up something huge and have to pay for delivery instead. In the meantime, as the snow and ice continue to fall I live in gratitude for my all wheel drive, car starter and heated seats. Cheers to Tom!

    March 20, 2014
    • now, minivan envy. that’s a topic for another post. every time I come back from renting one, I want to buy a minivan for like six months afterwards. the color of your car sounds very cool. I am intrigued

      March 20, 2014
  6. Great post – made me laugh! A couple people I know have this same truck!

    March 20, 2014
  7. Charlene #

    So glad that I never lose
    the ability to connect with your blog. Loved this topic.
    Husband has wanted a truck for years. It won’t
    fit in driveway with my big girl so the answer’s still no.
    He will feel sad when I show him this :).

    March 20, 2014
    • you should encourage him, for your own sake. the unexpected side effect of the truck is how much hotter tom is in a truck than in a normal car

      March 20, 2014
  8. YAY A NEW POST! I was starting to think you had forsaken us. It’s been terrible, I’ve had to do actual work at work without something to aid in my procrastination.

    I’m always saying that I don’t feel magnanimous often enough. I’m glad you found a reason, even if it was superseded by other less savory emotions.

    Is there anything greater than finding out that something previously had no interest in (besides exercise) actually makes you hotter? I submit that there is not. It’s like discovering Drakkar Noir all over again, but, you know, actually attractive.

    March 19, 2014
    • Andy! It’s been a dry winter, inspiration wise. Drakkar Noir!!! Yum

      March 19, 2014
  9. Lisa Murphy #

    I always assumed I’d marry someone who drove a red truck. Where I come from, it would have had one of those gun racks with the tennis balls in place to keep it from hitting the back window.

    March 19, 2014
    • Lisa, I’ve never seen that regional flair! Now I will look out for it.

      March 19, 2014
  10. Let’s see if his tune changes when he suddenly has all these friends. Ones that appear every weekend with schlepping needs.

    March 19, 2014
    • Tom seems happy to haul things. But it will no doubt wear off

      March 19, 2014
  11. alison #

    Now you need a nice little sporty convertible to go with your beach attire

    March 19, 2014
  12. clee920 #

    My high school dream car was an f-150, black, raised. My traditional Korean parents wouldn’t stand for it so they got me the ultra Asian Acura Integra.

    I suppose I should just be thankful I had a car in high school…

    But that truck still gives me goosebumps till this day.

    🙂

    March 19, 2014
    • My first car was a honda civic! Almost as Asian as your Acura?

      March 19, 2014
      • clee920 #

        I had a civic too! Totally AzN 🙂

        March 22, 2014
  13. It’s a mighty purdy truck

    March 19, 2014

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: